the cult of masculinity

When my partner asked last night if I'd heard about the "rape thing" in the news, I'm sorry to say that I had to clarify WHICH rape thing he was talking about. I've been following the Delhi rape case but had somehow missed any reports on the case of Steubenville High School rapists Trent Mays and Ma’lik Richmond, who assaulted an unconscious 16 year old and were sentenced to house arrest, fellow student Michael Nodianos' horrific video commentary on the situation (google-able; not gonna link it) and coach Nate Hubbard's abominable victim-blaming. 

Oh yeah -- long time, no see. Did you forget what a downer I am?

XOJane posted a really insightful article that's sort of peripherally about the case wherein writer Avital Norman Nathman, mother to a six year old boy, discusses the worry I think a lot of progressive, feminist/womanist mothers experience: that our own sons will fall prey to the cult of masculinity and do the unthinkable. My own three year-old son has been exhibiting some very normal, age-appropriate aggressions like relatively innocuous hitting, pushing and general yelling/grunting when he forgets to use words to express his feelings. These things are shortcuts, now, when the frontal lobe is still getting itself situated, but it's admittedly very hard for me to see these behaviors without fretting: Is he going to be domineering, aggressive as an adult? Has the cult of masculinity already claimed him?

Of course, it hasn't. I know that. I look at similar behavior from his peers, I look at his sweet face and notice the thoughtful, nurturing aspects of his personality which far outweigh the more temporary, less fantastic traits I mentioned.  But when he's accosted by stereotypes from all angles, it's hard to keep a handle on what's actually seeping in. Well-meaning strangers tell him he's "big and strong." He's instructed to be a "big boy," told "you're okay!" when he cries (not by his parents, of course, but these conventional ways of talking to children are hard to regulate from the general public). He's mistaken for a girl when he wears pink or purple, which he does often, sees the confusion on strangers' faces, and no doubt notices the different tone they take or words they use when he corrects them. "Pretty," "sweet," "helpful" turn into "strong" "smart," "a handful." Gentle, lilting speech turns booming, didactic when his gender is revealed. How do I counteract that?

Nobody wants to look into the face of their baby, their three year old, their six year old, their 16 year old, and wonder: are you a rapist? But some mothers don't have to wonder. They've maybe made some mistakes -- maybe -- but, mental illness aside (which is a very important, but very different conversation), the cult of masculinity has claimed them as victims, too. Can you imagine being the mother of an abuser? A rapist? It must be impossible not to internalize the disdain for women they see in their sons; those women, too, must have been the target of their childrens' misogyny at some point. 

Are we doing everything we can to ensure our sons have the tools to appropriately process and release anger and frustration? Are we enabling them to really experience their feelings, to own their emotions, and, consequently, own their behavior, for better or worse? Are we growing boys aware of the rape culture they're inheriting, and committed to eliminating it? Are we giving them the language, the tools to hold their friends and peers accountable? I'm doing my damnedest, and I hope you are, too. Please read the XOJane article, and if you're in the area, attend the protests Anonymous is organizing. 

post script

And then, the laundry overtook them.

we already won the sweepstakes prize

I'd tell you why, but I don't know.

three

Happy third birthday to the coolest, funniest, weirdest king of non sequiturs and detail-related putzing around; lover of cars and rock & roll; grilled cheese enthusiast and inexplicable sports aficionado. The Sagittarius I was afraid of. You are the kid that made me a mama. Thanks for whipping me into shape and rendering me incapable of watching Law & Order. We love you. 

DIY photobooth-style family photos

The other morning on the radio, I heard a piece about hipsters: what defines a hipster, what sorts of things they like. It was kind of inadvertently funny, but had an interesting takeaway. Hipster culture is, one interviewee posited, a byproduct of a generation unable to display sincere emotion. Nothing can be enjoyed for its own sake, but must be enjoyed "ironically," presumably, I guess, because that lends the participants plausible deniability. 

I'm definitely guilty of this sort of tendency to downplay my enjoyment through irony. Case in point: Though I've been decorating our house for the holidays since we moved, I've only this week stopped apologizing for the dorkiness and admitted that I just like holiday decorations. 

Anyhoo, long story (not very) short, I hesitated to make the photobooth canvas Hanukkah project I'd chosen because I thought it might be too goofy, not arty or offbeat enough for our walls. Yes! That was stupid. Even after it was done, I asked Nathan if it wasn't too silly to hang up. I've only recently warmed to the concept of having family photos around the house (photos of family members who live in the home, that is), so this one was a stretch for me. I'm glad I went for it, because it's so cute. So, so cute. And here is how I did it (sorry for the funky formatting. All the info is there and I don't care enough to mess with it):

To make the pictures look like they were taken in a photo booth, we positioned ourselves in front of the living room curtains, then, in Picasa, made them black and white and used the vignette tool. 

I gathered my materials: 

- an 8x24" stretched canvas (not pictured)
- mod podge (matte)
- foam brush
- scissors
- 4 5x7 family photos, B/W copied

I cut the pictures out, and left a small border but wish I hadn't. 

I then laid out the pictures where I wanted them, switching up the order until they looked right. In my case, Nathan and I have the darkest/most hair, so putting our pictures next to each other looked bad.

For the mod podge initiated this will be obvious, but for those who don't frequently decoupage it may feel like you're screwing up your pictures. You are not! Brush a thick coat of mod podge onto the back of each picture, making sure to get the corners and edges. Stick them in place one by one and smooth out the bubbles, working from the middle to the outer edges. 

Your paper will bubble up a little no matter how diligently you smooth, but don't worry. It'll dry flat.

After you've placed your pictures where you want them and smoothed them all out, you can sit back and get a preview of how it's going to look when finished. 

Adorable?

Great!

Next!

Cover the whole surface with a thick coat of mod podge, being careful not to loosen any of your edges. I try to go in the same direction though I'm not sure it matters.

Let the first coat dry (15-20 minutes) and do another coat. I did three coats and was really concerned about some major bubbling that was making George look like he'd been punched in the eye.

I decided to leave it overnight to see if the bubbles went away, and they did! There are a few small creases and wrinkles, but I think that adds to the charm. 

I hope yours turns out just as cute as ours!